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10 Things I’ve Learned Since Becoming A Daddy
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On the Loveawake dating site blog, I pride myself in providing that real and honest commentary. Plus, I am prone to keeping it real. Well, the past two weeks have been the realest weeks of my life. And since I know that most of us plan on having kids someday — if you don’t have them already — I figure that thru my tragedy and triumph, everybody can gain. What’s the point of education if you can’t share it?
So without further ado:
1) When people say that you won’t get anymore sleep, they’re not lying.
I got a total of 6 hours of sleep yesterday, and since the birth of my daughter, that’s the most sleep I’ve gotten in a single day. I’ve also managed to make it thru a day getting something like 2 hours of sleep. At this rate, delirium should set in very shortly and I’ll be writing posts about leprechauns running across highways in Birmingham, Alabama.
2) Girls projectile pee too.
I think my cat is traumatized right now. One day, I attemped to change my daughter’s diaper. She had a clean diaper. How disappointed was I. Until all of a sudden she started pissing and a rainbow of golden liquid cleared at least 8 feet in my room. I pulled a George Bush and narrowly missed being the target and my cat followed my lead but not in time. Poor thing. THEN, she pooped at me (yes, AT ME). Let’s just say, this little lady is having a ball.
3) Freaking out is inevitable, especially if you aren’t getting enough sleep.
I fell asleep on the couch one day and then woke up two hours later ONLY TO THINK THAT I’D FALLEN ASLEEP ON MY CHILD AND SMOTHERED HER. Nevermind that she was upstairs with mommy all safe and sound. To complete the murder, I fell asleep on a blanket and woke up trying to unfold the blanket to find my baby.
Get some sleep, people.
4) Relatives are a Godsend.
I don’t know how people do this on their own. Having all the grandparents in town has been nothing short of a miracle. For one, I really have no clue what the f*ck I’m doing. And as a new parent, I tend to over think everything and panic when things aren’t going right - read: the baby’s screaming uncontrollably. Then my mother swoops in, grabs the baby and calms her in like 2.5 seconds. Plus, they keep kicking us out of the living room so that we’ll go get some sleep.
5) Time is a very fluid concept.
I’ve honestly lost track of what day it is. We had a doctor’s appointment on this past Monday. It feels like it happened 2 weeks ago. Not to mention that my daughter seems to be a total night owl, basically she’s got her days and nights confused right now, so she gets all her jollies between midnight and 8am. Yes, she’s kicking my a** right now.
6) I don’t mind not breastfeeding.
I’ve read some books about men feeling left out of the process because they can’t breastfeed. F*ck them cats. I’m SO cool on that one. For one, it looks painful. Like getting your Johnson caught in a door and nobody can pry it open. For 30 minutes every 3 hours. That’s a lot of badwood.
7) There really is nothing on television between the hours of 12 and 8am.
Trust me. Television is no solace.
8) Your house will become sterile.
I’ve never had to sterilize so much sh*t in my entire life. It’s gotten so bad I tried to throw my shoes into a pot and boil them just to make sure they wouldn’t negatively affect my daughter.
9) Static cling is a motherf*cker.
For some reason, either by myth or literature, my girlfriend has forbid the use of fabric softener. It’s bad enough I have to use odorless detergent so my clothes don’t smell like an arctic tundra, now I’m walking around like a human lightning rod. I’ve been shocked more than a 22 year old Black male athlete who let’s all of his women buy his condoms.
10) I don’t remember NEARLY as many nursery rhymes as I thought I did.
I’ve come up with and sang more remixes to old songs than has to be legal. Right now I’m waiting on R.Kelly to call me so we can do the nursery rhyme remix album. I’ve resorted to making up my own songs and dubbing myself Dinosaur Daddy.
And yes, I’ve gotten that corny.